Our journey began with words—words
written down because talking was too tough:
I’m not happy.
You’re not happy.
I hate that you speak to me so disrespectfully and dismissively.
I hate that I respond in kind and I feel disappointed in myself
every time I do so.
I feel angry—and I don’t want to feel angry.
I feel broken.
Enter Gillian.
With Gillian’s guidance,
[Husband] and I have learned to communicate, to connect, to compromise and, in
doing so, to reconstruct a relationship that we’d decided was done.
* * *
When we first met with Gillian,
[Husband] and I had agreed to continue to cohabit for two more years—to provide
a stable home life for our daughter while she completed college—and then, in
all likelihood, to go our separate ways.
Two-and-a-half years on, we find
ourselves committed to a marriage that may be stronger than it’s ever been.
There are many people who
question the efficacy of relationship counselling or couples therapy and,
granted, it can deliver results only if both parties are open and honest, and
engage with the process. To that end, I
sometimes ask the (many) friends who tell me that they or their partners would
‘never go to counselling’ why they would visit a doctor if they were sick or
had broken a bone, would take their car to the mechanic if something were
rattling or the exhaust had fallen off, yet would never consider visiting a
couples counsellor to help them to mend a fractured relationship?
The answer is sometimes that the
impact of therapy can also be affected by the quality of the counsellor or
therapist—and this is certainly true.
[Husband] and I had already experienced two constructive interventions
and two that we’d found damaging by the time we found our way to Gillian; we
were naturally wary of whether she’d prove the right ‘fit’ for us—even though
she came highly recommended by a friend.
We needn’t have worried. It may be that Gillian simply ‘gets’ us; I
think it more likely that she gets the measure of most of her clients and adjusts
her approach accordingly. Either way,
each of our sessions with Gillian—whom we see most often as a couple, but
sometimes individually—has moved us ever farther from the hurt, angry, ‘broken’
place in which we were when she first met us, and ever deeper into the compassion,
understanding and mutual support that [Husband] and I each want within our
marriage.
That marriage remains a
work-in-progress—and I would argue that it always should, since complacency and
old (bad) habit can scupper the very best of intentions. It’s also true that no relationship exists within
a vacuum; hence the period during which we’ve been meeting with Gillian has
seen [Husband] and I necessarily negotiating our way through issues including
parenting a teenager entering adulthood, making difficult work decisions, and
supporting the extended family through illness and incapacity. In each of these regards, we’ve valued
immeasurably the steer that Gillian has offered—and her gentle reminders to always
keep ourselves and our relationship in sight.
* * *
Two-and-a-half years ago, had you
told us that we would recover the love
we’d lost—be able to speak to each
other with compassion, understanding and respect—we may have found it hard
to swallow such a tall tale. Today, [Husband]
and I may feel that we still have work to do before we believe that we’re
‘there’ (wherever and whatever ‘there’ may be)—but we both agree that, thanks
to sensitive therapy, we’re walking that
path hand in hand.
If you are looking for a couples/relationship counsellor contact Gillian Perrow on
01297 32530 / 07877721297
gillianperrow@btinternet.com
